Frustration Plateau

“Expect a blog in the next 48 hours.”

48 hours became a week. A week became two weeks. Two weeks became three and then three, naturally, becomes a month.

I had a list of lovely topics from which to blog and an arsenal of wit and smarts to formulate a stunning first official blog. But it never came. Somewhere along the way I lost the motivation and drive to write. This, my blogfriends, does not bode well for my blog. Most of all, it does not bode well for my psyche because, frankly, if I lack the motivation to do one of my favourite things (write) then I must be lacking a lot of motivation lately.

So here I sit, staring at this list of blog topics and drumming my fingers on the desk with my chin cradled in the other hand. The letters start to bleed together – nothing is coming.

I’m putting the list away. Folding it up and tucking it back. I’m writing from the heart. Problem is, my heart doesn’t have much to say lately. It lacks its usual overflow of emotion. It’s jumped from my sleeve back into the dark, warm, hidden confines of my chest. As a good friend put it – I’m numb.

I think that the root of my problem is that there is not a lot of purpose in my life right now. At least, that’s how it feels. The last year has been stellar – I’ve learned so much about myself – my talents, my heart, what it means to grow and truly learn, what my version of love is and so on. Yet at some point during this exciting uphill trek I reached a plateau – it’s an undiscovered, new territory that I like to call “frustration.”

I call it the “frustration plateau” because on it I seem to have reached a standstill in my growth. I’ve accomplished more in the past year than I expected. I’ve gone from a meek, shy, emotional cess pool to a much more confident, understanding, mature young man. But, like with so many other instances in my life, I became too proud too fast and allowed myself to plateau. For the past six months I’ve been riding my high horse of maturity, knowledge, and talent. I wasn’t allowing myself to realize that I had a lot more to learn about life, relationships, and the world around me.

I eventually reached a point where, when I was unable to understand an event in my life or in the world around me, I would become frustrated. I’d let this frustration manifest into an outward demeanour that was condescending, mean-spirited, and down-right bitchy. I’d behave this way toward my friends and family and even toward myself. Never did I realize that I had taken all of the growth and learning that I had achieved and thrown it to the curb, reverting right back to the bitter, jaded queen that I had been originally. I was back at the starting line, waiting for the wake-up gun to go off.

That has been going off for the past few weeks and the sound continues to ring in my ears, shaking me to the very core.


So, here I am now, on the plateau. This new territory is frightening and not in the way that the challenges and experiences of the last year have been both exciting and frightening at the same time. This territory is eerily similar to a territory I was lost in for years. I like to call that region of my map “depression.” The big difference between the two places is that this new place lacks the sadness that depression brought. I think that my biggest fear on this plateau is that one wrong step could cause me to slide back downhill and into the quicksand – sinking slowly into the sadness.

But right now I’m on the plateau and not in the pit – I cannot focus on what may or may not happen. In this new place I have to focus on where I am right now and watch for the signs that I could start sliding. I’ve seen them before and they should be recognizable. That’s one of the lovely things about being in a low place – when you finally come out of it you remember it forever. You remember the feelings, the self-loathing, and all of the road signs along the way. I only wish it were as easy as “Depression Ave” or “Quicksand Pit – 5mi.” Unfortunately, it’s about keeping an eye out for familiar landmarks – a lump in the throat, a knot in the stomach, or a pain so surreal and so deep in the body that it can only be described as a “pain of the soul.”

I think that perhaps the most beautiful thing about being at any low or high point in life, however, is that you do remember these things and if you’ve learned properly from the experience, then you know how to catch the warning signs. And, if by some misstep of chance, you end up in a low period again, what you’ve learned in the past can come to your aid, like a scrappy little sidekick.

Right now, I’m going through the motions of the plateau, all the while searching for some sign that will redirect me to the right path – where I’ll start traveling uphill again, welcoming new experiences and lessons, where I’ll be able to use my talents to advance in this world, where the kinder, gentler side of me will start to shine again.

Ah, but perhaps this is where the true lesson lies in all of this. If the most beautiful part of being at a low is recognizing it in the future, then perhaps I am actually in a beautiful land. This “frustration plateau” is a new place for me and I am experiencing something new, as unfavourable as it may be. Just became the land I am in is unfavourable does not make it any less legit in the map of my life. If I continue to trudge through this wasteland I’ll eventually find my way out and then I will have a new territory to add to my map.
A territory that I can point out and say, “Don’t even stop for gas in that place.”